I've decided that's how I'm feeling today. Granted, that's turned into a spiral of feeling miffed and alone and frustrated, but the core of this spiral for the past couple days has been feeling heartbroken.
I feel like there have been a flood of memories surfacing and it's too much for me to process fully. I started this post on a pedestal. Then I changed it. I just want to be real. That's why I have this blog anyway. To be real.
A few years ago, I was a part of a church that I had been a part of for my entire life. At 18, I had to make a decision. To go or to stay. I chose to stay. And it tore my family apart to an extent. It was too much for my people pleasing, lack of decision making ability as an almost high school graduate. After an awful summer, I decided to go away for college. While I was at college that fall or spring semester, I remember getting a call from a friend at said church about my friend and some 'church discipline' that had to be done. I don't remember my exact reaction, but I remember being at the meeting and asking through tears if we could pray before anything was decided. This song came on the other day and it took me right back to that meeting…
"You don't condemn. You always see my best. You make me confident. You lift my head. There's nowhere that I can go, there's nowhere that I can hide. When I feel like I'm alone, your love and my heart collide.
You wipe away my tears and disarm my every fear. My biggest champion. To you I run. There's nowhere that I can go, there's nowhere that I can hide. When I feel like I'm alone, your love and my heart collide.
You pull me in, you pull me in close."
-Nowhere by Sarah Reeves
I wish I had pulled my friend close and shared this truth with her. That Jesus loved her no matter what. There was nowhere she could go where she was not known and loved. It was all wrong. I don't know the intentions of the leadership at that time, but I do know that love will always win people over shame or judgment. It's that way with a lot of things. Love always trumps hate. I've realized that more and more throughout the years since. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Using it in the way I believe God has intended it for is the most important thing to me.
My next flood of memories has been with camp. Whispering Cedars Baptist Camp has been one of my favorite places for years. It's a little unfortunate that I had to 'grow up' and do other things during the summer. If I had my way, I would be at camp for the rest of my life hanging out with campers.
The people at camp were always my favorite part. Of course. If you're reading this, I love you all. 😊
I've gotten away from camp in the past few years and while it's been a change and I've realized that change can be good, it's still hard sometimes when I think back. Camp was a big part of my life for so long and it always will be in my heart. I know-so cheesy.
I feel like the camper/cabin leader relationships change so fast. It goes from an adult to look up to, to a friend and sometimes that is awkward for me. Don't get me wrong, I love staying in touch and I do enjoy the relationships, but I want to share my heart and it's hard to without being out at camp. At camp, I could grab a pop for a camper and they would share their life with me. I wish I could go on walks on the camp road with you or sit by the campfire or write 'I love u' in ketchup with the same effect where we are now. But I can't. It's not the same. Don't mind me, I'm just mourning camp. That's what I want to say.
So, you campers, know that you are loved and known. Know that there is nowhere you can go where God is not. He wants you to come as you are. No getting your stuff together first. 😉 I love watching you grow up and seeing you succeed. I feel like a cabin leader mom to an extent with the pride I feel towards your success. Bear with me through my awkwardness. 😂 I needed you to know that all.
Love Always ❤️