“Ogres are like onions. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.” -Shrek
“Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.” -Carl Sandberg
I don’t know if you are as shocked as me that there is a quote connecting the infamous Shrek quote and real life…but there you go!
For the past month I have been having seemingly random dreams, but they were not as random as I thought…
It all started with a trip to Colorado where we hiked in the Rocky Mountain National Park. My parents had been there a few days before my sister, Hannah and I took a plane to meet them there for a shorter vacation. While they had been hiking, they came across a lake called Lake Irene. Irene was my grandma’s name, so just the namesake alone got me excited. When we made it to the lake, I was shocked by the simple beauty of it. The water was so clear, the scene was so breathtaking. I felt instantly calm. I felt safe. Secure. Safe with my family. Secure in where I was at. I hadn’t really felt that way in a very long time. Over ten years to be real. My grandparents passed away over ten years ago. This thought came into my mind. “But I’ve always been safe and secure.”
When my grandma and grandpa passed away, I lost a part of me. My identity was wrapped up in family and love and it always has been-but I lost sight of it.. It seems that for the rest of high school and into college, I was searching for acceptance. I was so low-I cut, I wanted to be liked/loved so badly that I wanted to be someone I wasn’t because I wasn’t enough as just Sarah. Not until we went to Lake Irene and I had those clear moments there, I realized that I’ve been loved the whole time-not only by my parents (obvious answer), but by a loving, faithful Father who I also had lost sight of. I feel like when life happens, sometimes we grow up before we are ready. Maybe that’s why I was searching and left feeling alone and lost even though I was surrounded by people-people God placed in my life, to show me His love. The people who showed me most specifically have been the support system I have now. Before these ladies came into my life, I was living unloved.
“Living unloved is like clipping a bird’s wings. Pain has a way of doing that to us if it is left unresolved. You forget what you were created for.” -The Shack
I’ve had three dreams with my grandparents in them since getting back from Colorado. All three were equally emotional and vivid. Maybe I was having those dreams because I needed to write this blog. Maybe I was having those dreams because I had a few days of quiet and it was a chance for me to grieve since I didn’t do so all those years ago. Maybe it was because I needed to be reminded of my will to live (when in the hospital for suicidal thoughts I had to fill out a packet of things that would help in the future, and someone to live “for” was my will to live). Maybe it was all of it.
My grandparents were incredibly special people to me and to everyone who knew them. I have this picture hanging up on my bulletin board in my room as a reminder that I was special to them, too. I miss my grandparents so much. My grandpa’s comedy act with his dentures and the funny faces he made. My grandma’s amazing ability to be a grandma and show all of us grandkids how much we were loved.
And even with all of the emotional havoc of having dreams with people who I miss in them, I am so thankful for the dreams and Lake Irene that helped me peel back another layer of the onion of my life.