Reprogramming.

I’ve gone to church my ENTIRE life. All 27 years of my life. The first 18 were at a church that became a second home to me and a second family. When some things went downhill at said church, my family left and I stayed because I’m a people-pleaser and my family would love me anyways, long story short. Then I went to this Bible college for a couple years. When I came back from college, I ended up at a different church that has been helpful in my walk and I have made countless friends. So, needless to say, I have had Jesus stuff around and ingrained in me my entire life.

Conditioned.

Rigid.

Programmed.

I would use all of these words to describe myself.

A few weeks ago at our family reunion, I had some drinks. Drinks mixed with cold medicine makes a person feel a little intoxicated way more quickly. I had SO much fun. I didn’t blackout or have a hangover the next day, but I did feel free to be me per se and I didn’t have a care in the world. I remember a cousin saying “Sarah, I have known you your whole life and have never heard you say so many words.” The next day though, I felt weird. Awkward maybe. By the end of the day I believed the lie that I was only fun buzzed…or people only enjoyed me while I was drunk…or that I was only me when I was drunk. I proceeded to be intoxicated a few more times since then…not blackout, don’t remember anything intoxicated…but through it I realized that I am rigid at times. I don’t do what I want to do for fear of offending someone or being judged by someone. Not only am I rigid, I read into things FAR too much. But then again, this one I already knew. I loved the feeling of being able to be just Sarah when I had a little bit to drink.

I have believed so many lies my entire life because someone else told me to or said it was a thing. That’s what this all boils down to. I believed the lie that alcohol was bad. I believed the lie that if I drank alcohol I was bad. I believed the lie that I had to be perfect, rigid, and no fun. I believed that I was boring and had to stay boring. No changing allowed.

As we grow and go through different situations, more of who we are and how we are broken is revealed.

I was fearful that I had been someone else my whole life and my friend said the above quote. This makes sense. I have always been me. I am free to be me. I don’t need to pretend anymore. No more facades. Vulnerability is a must. Sharing my soul when I want to is a must.

There is something really refreshing about unplugging and restarting. So, that’s where I’ll be. Unplugged from social media for awhile. Sifting through layers of onions. Pushing past my facade that I’ve put up for so long. Reprogramming my mind and heart. I’m all about creating a new me. Not a completely new me, just letting the real me come out in a new way.

-Sarah (:

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